down the drain

ef·fort  noun \ˈe-fərt, -ˌfort\ : a serious attempt : try

i have a tempestuous relationship with someone. no matter how many times she's crossed me, lied to my face, talked about me behind my back... i still forgave her. people say i'm crazy for forgiving her... why let someone repeat the same mistakes and hurt you over and over... why let someone like that into your life. normally, when a spider bites you, you kill it and suck the venom out... i let it live and allow the poison to run through my body and consume me. i guess i've always forgiven her b'coz she's family. i didn't grow up with my cousins and family... so, i always hoped for a strong family bond. maybe i picked the wrong person to hope for that kind of connection with. what do you do in a situation like this? if someone chooses not to fix what they broke, well then, i guess things will remain broken... so... why am i so distraught over everything when i'm not the one who broke it in the first place!?

i have made numerous efforts to move passed it and try to work on mending our friendship again. it's not as easy to move forward after someone has repeated mistakes... there's a cloud of distrust that hovers over their every action and words. you suspect things... is she lying to me now? can i trust her this time? i always felt i had to have my guard up. but... how can one earn your trust back if all they do is avoid you and shut you out of their life? shouldn't she have made some effort to reach out... communicate... pick up a phone, go out for lunch...  have a heart to heart... what efforts have been made on her part? NONE.

maybe these mixed feelings of hurt, anger, and confusion linger b'coz.... b'coz i feel stupid. i feel stupid for trusting her over and over again. i feel stupid for believing in her empty apologies. i feel stupid for listening to her talk and talk and talk about how we're family and we're this and that and we'll do this together and that together... only to realize that's all it was... TALK. i feel stupid for realizing too late that she didn't really care about mending our friendship. i feel stupid for always welcoming her back into my life when she has obviously excluded me from hers.

so, i guess i'm forced to leave it at that. i should have been more concerned with myself than with her... i should have put myself first over our damaged friendship. maybe i should take a lesson from her book and be less thoughtful and considerate of others... focus on "me"... make everything about "me". sigh... that's not me. but i will stop trying... i've exhausted myself for someone who never cared. i should have known better. i have no more chances cards to give... pay the taxes!

just b'coz we're related by blood doesn't necessarily make you family... it's your actions and how you treat those around you that make you family... and a friend.